Husbands and Wives and Submission, Oh My!

Whenever our pastor begins to preach from certain chapters in Genesis or Ephesians, you can bet that the elbows are about to start flying in the pews. We might hear “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him,” or “For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church,” or “Wives, submit to your husbands.” You can often hear some good-natured joking, and if I’m feeling particularly daring, I’ll give an enthusiastic “Amen!” to the pastor right before my wife asks if I’d like to spend one night or two on the couch. This idea of submission and the husband’s ‘headship’ can be a contentious topic in some Christian households, and it generally is wholly misunderstood outside of the Christian faith, often interpreted as a power trip for the men.

There are many dimensions to this topic, and dozens of verses that give guidance. Today, I only want to make a couple of observations to perhaps shed a bit more light on the subject, which is quite a bit more complicated (or perhaps quite a bit simpler) than a mere hierarchy with one member in dominant authority and the other submissive.

In Ephesians, Paul gives a clear indication of the kind of authority that the husband is given, as well as what this ‘headship’ entails: “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church” (Eph. 5:25). How did Christ love the church (meaning people, not the institution)? Well, He certainly didn’t do it by bossing it around and being lazy while it did all the work. No, He served it. Repeatedly. Unto death. He put its needs before His own. He sacrificed everything for it, and I mean everything. Does this still sound like someone on a power trip? This kind of ‘headship’ is akin to deep, sacrificial servanthood. It’s pure love. It’s a kind of love we, as humans, cannot possibly match, yet we are called to strive to match it, just as we are called to strive for perfection. The husband who is properly exercising his authority ‘over’ his wife is a man who is loving her so selflessly and sacrificially that his love pours out through his service and care for her.

One other point, this time about the wife’s role. In Genesis 3:18, Eve is called to be a “helper” for Adam, or “helpmate” depending on your translation. In our modern lexicon, the word has a particular connotation to it that I don’t believe was present in the original. We think of a ‘helper’ as someone who does a small portion of the work, work for which the ultimate credit belongs to someone else. E.g., Mom made dinner, but little Susie helped. A ‘helpmate’ sounds like someone who wants so much to be a part of things that God gave her a job to do so she’d feel useful. Nothing could be further from the role that God has designated for the daughters of Eve.

The Hebrew word ‘ezer, typically translated as “helper,” is used most often in Scripture in descriptions of God and His awe-inspiring ability to give aid when all hope seems lost:

 “We wait in hope for the Lord; he is our help and our shield.” (Psalm 33:20)

“Yet I am poor and needy; come quickly to me, O God. You are my help and my deliverer.”  (Psalm 70:5)

“You who fear him, trust in the Lord—He is their help and shield.” (Psalm 115:11)

Is God in a lesser position compared to mankind when He is described as our ‘helper’? Far from it. This kind of ‘help’ is nothing short of rescue. It’s the eleventh-hour reinforcements, the cavalry charge, the angels swooping in, the waters parting. It’s indispensable. It’s heroic. And this is the word God chose to use in the first ever mention of a woman. Doesn’t exactly sound like a damsel in distress, does it? As Zondervan puts it in their NIV Life in the Spirit Study Bible, “The term in no way belittles woman or puts woman in an inferior position to man. God created both women and men in his image to work together for his glory” (11).

The elbows may continue to fly in church services whenever ‘submission’ arises—and I’ve barely scratched the surface of this topic—but here is the upshot I want to leave you with. A husband and wife who are partnered as they should be, as two points of a triangle with Christ as the third point—drawing closer to each other as they draw closer to Him—will both be supporting, serving, and sacrificing for each other in order to fulfill the plans God has for them and their marriage.

As Christians, we’ve been called to service, and we’ve been filled with love. Our spouses should not be the last to be blessed by that love and service, but the first.